TV is finally getting back to what it used to be. Even though I should probably be spending hours a night laboring away on schoolwork and memorizing college statistics (i.e. admission rates, student to teacher ratio, majors & minors offered, graduation %, etc.), I continuously find myself on the couch with my bag of carrots. Except tonight I won't have any, because I ate all 11 servings (400 Calories) this afternoon. You might say, hey, this is way healthier/ less indulgent than the stuff I snack on, but then again, look at the portions. Once I crunch, I can't stop (this doesn't rhyme quite like the Pringles jingle.. but oh well. Pringles jingle also rhymes!) And I should really keep in mind what 'The Skinny Bitch' says; "remember; cows get fat off of grass." Anyways, I have been thinking recently that 'LOST' has really regained some of its dignity, although it still has a far way to go. And it was one (heartwrenching) thing to kill Boone off, and then Shannon, and then Michael and Walt left. And then Ana Lucia and Libby. And so on. But it is quite another to replace basically the entire original cast and spend 60 (or 62 according to TV Guide) minutes following some scientist, his gf who died last night, and Desmond. I miss Eko. And Rousseau.
Although Desmond is a Scot, so that wins him points. What I'm saying, though, is that once again 'LOST' is in need of a refocus, a reality check, and a couple of episodes where none of the original cast dies. Is that too much to ask? Oh, and I'd also really like if Walt came back. With the Golden Retriever. (BTW, and please know that the abbreviations are A JOKE, Locke lives in Baltimore. Yup, Terry O'Quinn, his elfishly pointy ears, and his piercing eyes have been rumored to frequent Wegmann's, the North Central Railroad Trail, and even Yankee Candle Co. at the mall. Pretty cool, right?) Also, I like Rose and Bernard. A lot, for the record. But 'LOST' never fails to be thought provoking, even if it does stretch one's perception of reality. I hope they tie up some loose ends, but then again I hope the show goes another 10 years.
Oh gosh, and how great are Thursday nights? FACT: Awesome. 'The Office' has never failed to amuse and educate. The one liners, social issues addressed, and sexual tension are great. Things We Have Learned from 'The Office:' Black bears are best. We will have pancakes (at IHOP) and we'll like it. The best way to seal a business deal is over an Awesome Blossom. Don't tip people for things you can do yourself (see Schrute, Dwight K.) Do, however, tip urologists. The proudest moment of your career can be when a Guatemalan worker asks you to be his child's godfather; and then you fire him. Fool me once, strike one, but fool me twice, strike three. God hangs out in Chili's. If you misspell 'failure' in front of the entire school, you will likely lose to Raj Patel. Blood alone moves the wheels of history! If you're looking to have a good time at a cocktail party, always: 1) check out the chimney's condition. 2) check the smoke alarms. 3) ask for the home's square footage. 4) bring potato salad that has been sitting in your car all day. 5) do not dress like the servants. 6) "arrive early and smart." 7) check for termite damage; significant damage indicates a failed party. 8) check the home's foundation for structural flaws. 9) Be sure to interrogate the host's sleeping son about the wood used to make his rocking chair. 10) Start with the bannisters. 11) Be sure to inform fellow guests that a shrimp's veins are actually feces. 12) Ask your host how much their home cost. 13) Don't leave without introducing your boss/ romantic partner to the company manager.
Also, you can make lots of young adult friends by being a creepy old man who runs a fake ID business from your car with a laminating machine that you swiped from the Sherrif's station. Scranton is the Electric City, and is known as such because of the electricity. It is possible to absorb your sibling's fetus and grow up with the strength of a grown man and a little baby. If you are about to do something, think, "would an idiot do that?" If he would, do not do that thing. If you look exotic, your dad was probably a GI. Or at least that is what people will assume. Black pepper snakes are fast. During WWII Japanese prison guards would chose a man to kill whenever a new batch of prisoners arrived. If you're thinking about double crossing your boss, always meet at a diner, so as to keep things inconspicuous. The most romantic place to propose is at a rest stop gas station. Do not attempt to make cheesy pita in the office kitchen; you'll be blamed for starting the fire. Always sign up for online profiles with the username "littlekidlover," to show women where your priorities are. The word 'ship' is hidden inside the word 'leadership,' because that is its derivation. Toby ruins everything. If you are wearing something that your grandfather was buried in, that garment is a family heirloom.
Michael Scott's greatest fear is lonliness. Or maybe women. No, wrong; he is not afraid of anything. (Also accepted: snakes.) Only 364 days until the next pretzel day. The best way to make friends is to drive them somewhere, leave them, get in your old school automobile and drive away, making them walk home. Dwight has made really good friends with Ryan and Phyllis this way. Every little boy fantasizes about his fairytale wedding. The best way to lose weight is to buy a tapeworm. From Creed. From Mexico. Bruce Springsteen tickets are a hot item. But I already knew that. The most satisfying way to kill a zombie is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick. Negative is a good thing in the medical world. And, finally, if you share your birthday with Eva Longoria, you will have a really good ice breaker for conversation, if you ever meet her. For a while, the Scranton crew lost its touch, but of late, it definitely has it back.
30 Rock follows this up, and is so great it deserves its own column. We already established that Tina Fey had, like, the second best year ever. And finally, my new obsession: "Summer Heights High." This was on HBO until like 2 days ago but was originally a mockumentary series set at a public high school in Australia. It features Jonah Takalua, a troubled Year 8, who has the vocabulary of a Roxbury man after the '86 World Series, and the reading/ writing skills of an unborn fetus. Or at least a very young child. Also, there is Mr. G, the egomaniacal and flamboyant drama teacher, who wants everyone to "spread it" when he takes over the department due to a coworker's family emergency. His resume includes rather unique shows, entitled, 'Ian Thorpe: The Man, The Water, The Music,' and 'Tsunananarama,' a true jewel based on the Tsunami tragedy and set to the theme of Bananarama. This year, SHH follows Mr. G as he plans to scratch 'Anything Goes,' and produce another original, based on a Year 11 who died due to an ecstasy overdose. Mr. G does not know what is crossing the line from appropriate to not and is hilariously oblivious.
Finally, there is Ja'mie, yes J-A-apostrophe-M-I-E. She knows, "it sounds random, but you'll get used to it." Ja'mie thinks everything is random, and is from a private school. Her obscene comments and pretentious character are somehow charming, especially when she decides to go out with a Year 7, Sebastian. As Jonah deals with his single parent home life, his Polynesian ancestry, and another Year 7 who tries to show him up in breakdancing, Mr. G's escapades entertain while Ja'mie scales the social ladder. And brings "formal" (dances) to Summer Heights High. The show is vulgar, but refreshingly realistic and funny. It would be an understatement to say I quote it at least 5o times a day.
And speaking of television, who thinks Blago (impeached Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich) should totally get his own show? He's witty. He is better than scripted acting, because he is unedited and he speaks from his stream of consciousness (a weird stream at that, the likes of which the world has never seen.) He could even invite Oprah to be a guest. And imitate people like Richard Nixon (see interview on 'The View.') And talk about monumental events and historical figures, like Ghandi, Nelson Mandela, oh, and.... himself. He clearly knows the entertainment business well, from Oprah to Jimmy Stewart, and has no trouble living life on the edge, or in the spotlight.
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